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The age-old battle of scribes has finally come to a somewhat sad end. The No. 1 lead
pencil has succumbed to its softer, and more popular rival, No. 2. No. 1 will be phased
out over a period of 18 months with most employees taking an early retirement package
consisting of one lump payment plus a dozen or so of the cherry-flavored erasers that once
adorned a failed promotion of the old No. 1 utensil.

While the fight for dominance was a bitter one, it seems that the two will meet again . . .
only this time in the courtroom. Attorneys for each company have filed suits and
countersuits. It seems that once the decision was made for No. 1 to call it quits, No. 2
printed signs and placed ads in local papers stating, “We’re number one!! We’re number
one!!” No. 1 attorneys are claiming that No. 2 is illegally using the tradename of No. 1.
No. 2 counters with, “We can’t say we’re number two, because that would be misleading
and deceptive.”

To further complicate things, the ACR (Association for Clean Restrooms) has entered the
legal fray contending that No. 1 and No. 2 both existed eons before the thought of a lead
pencil ever came into being. The ACR has decided to sue both companies for infringing
on the terminologies. “Just because No. 1 is liquidating doesn’t mean they don’t have
cash . . . and No. 2 has always been a pain in the rear. We’re going after both of them
with a vengeance,” stated legal counsel for ACR. “Anyway, we need the money to buy
some more of those little white smelly tablet thingies for the urinals.” The court date has
been set for May 1998. Legal analysts are divided on the projected winners of these cases.
“While No. 2 has the capital to outlast its rivals in what is expected to be a lengthy
litigation, I just can’t imagine No. 2 coming out smelling like a rose,” said an unidentified